One is often asked what one gets up to during the unrelenting weeks of the summer recess. Quite apart from the endless fetes, bring and buys and 'photo ops' with youth workers who insist on calling one 'mate', the answer is that I have an ever increasing backlog of post ranging from insane missives from widows in Utah imploring me to commit bigamy, to badly spelt hate mail from Aberdeen. Happily this has now been dealt with, largely by the very efficient shredder by my desk.
One is always thrilled to meet some of the very ordinary people that 'ginger up' the local community. Our last get together in Keynsham Community Centre was a tremendous success and it was simply misfortune that the first face through the door was an old chum from school days. As I did point out to the waiting throng at the time, Monty's holiday Manse is firmly within constituency boundaries and to ignore his frankly compelling problem (a spot of bother with jobsworth councillors over a planning application for a second pool) simply on the basis that he is my daughter's godfather would have been tantamount to discrimination. Something I am very much against. That said, it was unfortunate that our subsequent lunch date did rather catch up on us and consequently I missed the chance to see anyone else. Our next surgery shall be held in Petersleigh Methodist Hall (who says North East Somerset isn't diverse?) on the 10th of September and I hope as many of you as possible will come along with your usual range of delightful 'problems'.
The Second Servile War of 104 BC started after an unfounded rumour spread across Rome that imported slaves were getting a better deal of it than the local chaps. The situation soon spread to other provinces as the work-shy peons ran merrily amok, looting and pillaging and generally upsetting everyone a great deal in the process. All ended happily, however, when the Roman Consul massacred the ungrateful shower in a glorious display of imperial strength. One wonders what the Mayor of London might have achieved with 20,000 well disciplined Centurions during the recent unpleasantness in the 'inner suburbs'.
Working Hard for the People of Somerset:
In the last session, I acted decisively to protect the interests of an elderly immigrant whose family business was under threat from resentful Fabians, nit-wits and so called victims of 'phone hacking'. Whilst we were sadly unable to save the News of Worlds from closure the good people of Keynsham are still able to buy their copy of the fun Sun, which we managed to rescue from the very jaws of the braying mob. One hopes very much that Mr Murdoch will now be left alone and that our collective ire might be better spent on someone more deserving of it - like Mr Brown.
Finally. Identity theft is a growing problem across the country and it would appear that no-one is above falling prey to this heinous crime. I would once again like to distance myself very firmly from the comical creation who calls himself 'Jacob' and who appears on popular news 'shows' with those Hamilton people. Thank you all very much for your collective support during this difficult time. I wish you all a hearty Ave and shall now return to the concerns of my constituents.
(As told to Zoe Patterson)